I find myself in nature
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I find myself in nature.
This sentence was the result of a challenge I made to myself. As I was reorganizing my closet last weekend (as one does in January), I came upon a necklace that my dear friend and fellow author Shannon Kopp gave me. It had a quote by Ernest Hemingway, one of my favorite writers, on it: “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”
So I followed this advice to write the truest sentence that I know. The words that came to me again and again were simply: I find myself in nature.
I started to think about how many meanings this one tiny batch of words has to me, an adventurer who is often out and about on the trails weighing about 300 pounds. Because I truly do find myself in nature often. But I have also found myself in nature.
Nature was the antithesis of my years binging. Instead of pushing life away with food, nature brought everything closer to me – from the uncertainty to the beauty. Being outside brought fear and joy and everything in between into vivid focus and feeling, straight into my heart that was so craving these outdoor experiences.
Nature was the place where I found what I could do with my biggest achievements and most awe-inspiring journeys: Kilimanjaro (times three), Havasu Falls, part of Mauna Kea, the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and beyond.
Nature was the place that I fled to – walking more than 100 miles in the wilderness this past summer on The Long Trail in Vermont – in the time of Coronavirus. Nature has the solace for so many people during this pandemic.
And in these chaotic weeks, nature is my calm in the storm. It is where I find the peace that is possible within me even when the world feels so uncertain.
But it hasn’t always been this way. It was hard to find myself – or images of people who look like me -- in nature. When I really got into hiking more than a decade ago. There wasn’t a lot of gear to fit me (sometimes even the socks were too tight). I so wanted to embrace all that nature had to offer, but I didn’t feel like I belonged.
This problem came into glaring focus as I was about to hike Kilimanjaro a second time, I made a horrifying discovery: My hiking pants didn’t fit.
I had purchased the largest size that I could find with a non-wicking fabric and figured they would be fine. But there was no give in the fabric. No wiggle room for my hips and thighs. I had to scramble and ask the hotel manager to find someone to sew the two pair of pants that I brought into one.
I was mortified. I returned to my room, found the chocolate I had purchased for my daughter, niece and nephew and binged my brains out.
That was the hardest scene I had to write in Gorge: My Journey Up Kilimanjaro at 300 Pounds, which is set to be made into a movie with This Is Us actress Chrissy Metz producing and starring as me. But it was one of the most important things I’ve ever written because it was a moment that I didn’t dare talk about. The truth was: I didn’t fit into the world that I so desperately wanted to be part of.
It was a horrible experience and (spoiler alert) I didn’t summit that time.
But when I returned home, I realized I found so much peace and healing in the outdoors that I would not let wardrobe malfunctions keep me out of it. The more I showed up, the more I believed, and convinced others, that I did fit in.
And now more than a decade has passed since that episode at the base of Kilimanjaro, and thankfully, so much has changed in the extended sizes realm since then.
So many brands have embraced the fact that more than 67 percent of women are above a size 12. And, oh yes, many of us love nature.
I’m so grateful for my partnership with L.L.Bean that allows me to wear incredible clothing that fits and feels great. By them encouraging me to get out there with great gear that feels great, we are opening the doors for others to find themselves in nature too.
Now, when I’m out on trails close to home, I feel warm, agile, protected in the L.L.Bean gear that was made for my body. I have options so I can layer – on today’s hike it was Women’s Scotch Plaid Shirt in the Angus pattern, Women’s Mountain Classic Puffer Jacket (that my daughter loves so much that I had to order her own), and Women’s Perfect Fit Pants. I went with something casual as I went out for a quick hike with my St. Bernard Penny and headed home for some online meetings.
The more great L.L.Bean clothing I have, the more I find myself in nature. And it is my greatest hope that others find themselves in nature too.
@BeAnOutsider
@LLBeanPartner