Why I Belonged on Kilimanjaro, No Matter What Others Thought
There was a point when I learned to bet on myself. It was one of the most pivotal moments in my entire life.
When I climbed Kilimanjaro a third time, which I wrote about in Gorge: My Journey Up Kilimanjaro at 300 lbs., I was feeling really ready for the trip. This was during a time where I trained, I walked a half marathon, I did bootcamp workouts.
By the time I got to the mountain, I was feeling so strong that by the second day, which is ten hours of hiking, I felt amazing! Even though people around me were starting to feel sick, I almost felt guilty about how good I felt.
But that night, when I went to sleep in my sleeping bag, I started to hear people talking and laughing. From so many years of struggling with my weight, I knew they were laughing about me. I was also pretty much verified in this feeling because I started to hear them saying “Mama Kubwa,” which is Swahili for “Big Woman,” and that’s what they called me on the mountain. They were laughing, and not in a funny, nice way, but in a really mean way. As if every word that they were saying, even though I couldn’t understand it, was tearing me apart.
So, with all my confidence, all the training, it didn’t matter how ready I was for this mountain. I started to feel like I didn’t belong there. I started to doubt everything that I came there for and I started to come up with a plan of how I could back out of this challenge. I started to think about how I could make my way back to the bottom of the mountain, go to the hotel and explain to everyone that I didn’t deserve to be here.
What I learned from this moment is that I had to do something about it.
I felt like I was okay by the time I went to sleep because I was exhausted. It was a big hiking day and I fell asleep pretty easily, but the next morning it was still with me.
The thing about Kilimanjaro is that it is such a beautiful example of how you need to deal with things in the moment. If you’re cold, you put on a jacket. If you’re thirsty, you take a drink of water. And if you’re hungry, you need to eat.
And if something is bothering you, you need to do something about it right away.
I knew I needed to get it off my chest because I started to notice that as I was hiking, I was stumbling. I was clumsier. I was so less self-assured I didn’t feel as strong as I did the day before.
So, when we were finally on a break, I confronted our head guide and said, “Hey, last night I heard you. You were talking about me. What were you saying?”
In a roundabout way he kind of said, “Well, you know, last night we were talking about how the porters and guides don’t think you’re going to make it to the top.”
And I asked him, “Ok, what did you say? Did you make any money bets? Because you should! Bet on me. Bet on me.”
I learned to have the power and presence to say what I needed to say so I could move forward. Carrying this stuff around doesn’t serve me one bit. I need to stand in my power and tell people what I expect of them. So we can both move forward with clear direction.